The Jedward Code

Has the country gone mad? With me preparing for Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars, on Sunday, all I’ve been hearing about from the telly, interweb and radio is ‘Jedward this’ and ‘Jedward that’. What the fuck is a Jedward? Is it a national company that has gone bust, leaving tens of thousands of people without jobs? Is it a new life-saving drug that can cure cancer? Is it even a new Doctor Who monster that will finally take the focus away from the Daleks and the Cybermen? No, its two utter ponces who can’t sing, can’t dance but have got all the country enraptured in their antics on the X Factor

What is going on? Everybody is talking about it. I’m not even talking about on Twitter or Facebook, where everyone lives their lives nowadays. No, I mean people are actually talking about it on the streets, in the real world!

The thing is with these lads is that they are quite simply, shite. They seem to be constructed of every single thing that I absolutely detest about teenagers nowadays. Crying, hugging and holding hands (with other men) in the hope that a brainless nation doesn’t vote them off, so they can still live ‘their dream’.

They have divided the nation, as most want to hurt them with a blunt instrument, the others want them to win because their ‘so entertaining’. Since when has being rubbish been entertaining? Give it a year and these boys would be sharing the same stage as Chico (remember him? Exactly) at a Butlins holiday camp, with kids being terrified of their hair.

It’s even funnier as you hear the reactions of the X Factor ‘fans’. Some have finally cottoned on and have called the show a ‘fix’. Bloody quick on the uptake aren’t they? Basically, Simon ‘I turned down Take That and offered a record deal to 'Zig and Zag' instead’ Cowell saved the lads from the axe, after previously saying that he ‘would quit the country if they win’ and that ‘they are terrible’. Don’t they realise that the only reason most people tune in, is to watch Jedward? Cowell knows this and he made sure that he steered the lads towards a show-saving vote that they would always win.

I don’t pretend to know much about how television works but I do know that nobody tunes in to a program that doesn’t entertain them. To me though, The X Factor sums up what is wrong with modern society - tacky television, starring tacky people and made for people who don’t want to think. I suppose you can’t blame people for tuning in when they are pulled in by the corporate money-making machine. Well, I can and do!

Maybe I’m being harsh on these lads - after all they only do whatever the X Factor hierarchy tells them to do. They are the tools in the bag of Simon Cowell and ITV, in order to sell their product and they try to push it as far as they can. That is the biggest problem with television nowadays – it’s not about entertainment, educating and inspiring people – it’s about money. Yes ITV is a comerical network, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they need to cutback on good drama programs to make way for reality shows. Television plays a big part in people's lives and they do get influenced by it. ITV have a duty to provide programming that will stimulate people, not turn them into mindless zombies, munching popcorn and screaming at the telly when some spiky-haired Irish lads, called John and Edward, go through.

As I’ve already mentioned, these lads won’t be around in years to come, their self-life will expire when people get bored. People will say ‘well at least they’ve lived their dream’, if going from a lucrative record contract to performing in front of a handful of people, at a windswept holiday camp, is their idea of a ‘dream’ - I’d be very surprised.

I really do hope that Jedward win, if only to bring people to their senses about television like this. Reality TV isn’t real at all – it’s as scripted as any other television drama. In fact, Doctor Who is probably more true-to-life!

A Proper Pub

What makes a 'proper pub'?

A pint for the men
…a glass of wine or half glasses for the ladies

A fine selection of Real Ales
...and only three Lagers on tap

No WKD’s, Smirnoff’s or Reef’s
…just psychedelic mild that gives you a far better high than any drug can

A busty barmaid
…who is old enough to be your mam

Everybody is friendly and always up for a chat
…even if you gave them a slap five minutes earlier

Chats about life, politics and pets
...from the comfort of a barstool, as you prop up the bar

Owd blokes who have their own stool at the bar
…and their own tankards hanged up

The only food that's served are pies, crisps and pork scratchings
…which are always out of date

The stench of sweat, flat ale and tobacco get up your nose
…despite there being a smoking ban

Toilets that tell you that they are for ‘Ladies’ and ‘Gentleman’
…and smelling like someone’s done ‘their business’ in a bucket and left it there to rot

Betting slips lie crumbled and torn
…as nobody ever wins

No tracksuits, baseball caps or scruffy bastards
…everyone has their own style

A resident pub dog that always jumps on you and licks your face
…a resident pub dog, albeit a female humanoid, that always jumps on you and licks your face

Anyone under 18 isn’t checked for ID
…but asked if they’re old enough anyway

An old couple in the corner, drinking havles of brown ale and talking about the past
…a young couple, drinking bitter and wine and talking about the future

No telly’s showing sport, reality TV or gameshows
…just the chatter of good friends about sport, life and how bingo is fixed

Karaoke on a Friday neet
…that lasts five minutes before everyone gets sick of it and starts throwing glasses

An old dusty piano that sits in the corner
…that nobody can play

Christmas decorations that litter the ceiling
...in July

No need for quiz and jukebox machines
..as a game of cards, dominoes (never for money) and a good old drunken sing-song will suffice

No trouble, fights or crossed words
…just take it outside

For this is a pub, a proper pub.

Shame their all dying.

Chelsea Dagger

If you told me when Latics got promoted to the Premiership in 2005, that it would take us 35 attempts to beat one of the so-called ‘Big Four’ I would have said ‘Bollocks, we won’t get to play them 35 times!’ But we have and finally at the 35th attempt we beat one of them, as we ended Chelsea's 100% record and knocked them off the top of the table, whilst climbing into the top half ourselves. Every Latics fan has described it as a 'joy to watch' and hopefully this result will attract more Wiganers to the DW Stadium

Titus Bramble, Hugo Rodallega and Paul Scharner scored the goals in an historic win, but to be fair it’s hard to pick out an individual performance, as all the players worked hard across the pitch to grab our first win against one of the best sides in Europe. One player I have been impressed with however, is Hendry Thomas. He seems to be very much like the departed Lee Cattermole, but better on the ball and a lot quicker.

Of course some deluded muppets are coming out with ‘we should be beating lesser teams like Wigan’ and ‘the ref is a cheat’. But to be fair to the lot from West London, the moaners have been in a minority and the rest have been gracious and admitted Latics had outplayed them and deserved to win. Bloody hell, what’s going on? We beat a top four side, the ref gives us a penalty, sends off their keeper and we’re getting praise all round! It’s crazy but very welcome!

All credit must go to Roberto Martinez, as his team has finally shown what he’s been talking about all summer. We’ve had a tough few games - being beaten 5-0 by Man Utd and 4-0 by Arsenal, but who really expected us to win them games? We’ve played 7 games and 5 of those have been against teams that finished in the top 6 last season. We’re 3 points better off than from what most people expect us to be and we’re only a win or two away from breaking into the top 6 ourselves.

Our style of play has changed and so has our squad. It takes time to get everything settled and even Bob admits everything still isn’t 100%. Can you imagine us when we do hit top gear? Blimey, I can’t wait!

I was ashamed to read that some of our very own Interweb warriors were calling for Bob’s head a few weeks ago, something which was totally bang out of order and just plain stupid. Thankfully these snakes seemed to have slithered off and hopefully the proper fans will get behind the lads as we travel to Hull next week.

Up the Latics!

Taken from my personal blog - Sex and the Mudhuts

Runaway Sol (Again)

So Sol Campbell has buggered off from Notts County after just 1 match, so why are people surprised? This is the man that was so ‘depressed’ and ‘under pressure’ that he walked out at half time during a match, whilst playing for Arsenal. Now he might well have felt those things but you lose all sympathy when the man is paid £80,000 a week to play football. God knows how he’ll get on working a proper job, with debts to pay, like so many of his fans do.

I used to like Sol. I remember him playing so well in an England shirt, particularly his joyous reaction when he scored against Argentina in the 1998 World Cup, only for his goal to be disallowed. He was the rock at the back every team should have and he was good at it.

Notts County have recently been taken over by an ambitious Arab who wants to get them into the Premier League within five years. They’ve spent quite a bit of money on players, upgrading the training ground and employing former England manager, Sven Goran-Eriksson as director of football. Campbell was brought to the club not long after and signed a FIVE YEAR CONTACT.

Campbell has sighted the fact that the reason he left was that the club ‘didn’t fit in with his plans’, despite giving interviews on how he was really happy with the set up and that ‘he was in it for the long run’, just weeks earlier.

Now, either something dodgy is going on or Campbell is an unprofessional prima-donna, who just didn't fancy turning out in League 2 in front of 3,000 people. I’m going for the latter. The man is 35 now and still believes he can play for England. He’s turned his back on a lucrative contract that could have seen him playing in the Premiership at an age where most players have long since retired.

Furthermore, he can’t play for a club until January now, so maybe he should have stuck it out until then? A few months without training could catch up with him and at his age, I’d be surprised if the ‘top club’ he craves will come in for him.

Well done Sol, you’ve shown that footballers are as stupid as they look.

Interweb Wars!

The Interweb – don’t you just love it? For every great innovation such as the BBC I Player, Twitter, YouTube and er Wikipedia, there’s always elements which will undoubtedly get on your bastard nerves. And surprise, surprise – for me its football!

In an age were we are able to get almost any piece of information we want, there are still people who find hiding behind a false and ‘wacky’ username, typing abuse to people they don’t even know, a lot of fun.

It has provided a breeding ground for a new generation of ‘soccer’ fans, or muppets as I like to call them. Give them a keyboard and all of sudden they’re a 'superfan' who knows more than anyone else, despite never going to any games in their entire lives. Not that I’m saying only match-going fans should only be allowed to post their views, because that is what the internet is about, an open forum for everyone. But shouting people down and abusing them for their lack of knowledge isn’t what participating in a forum should be about. And don’t even hope for any intelligent debate - almost everything spills out into a pointless argument!

All this comes hot on the heels of the latest Latics mauling, at the hands of Arsenal – who seem to have more foreign fans attending their games than English people. That’s not strictly a bad thing, at least they actually turn up! But after the 4-0 defeat many of our ‘Keyboard Warriors’ were out in force calling for the head of Roberto Martinez after just six games. That’s right – SIX GAMES!

It’s not as if we’re in any danger at the moment, we’ve got six points which many fans expected us to have at this stage. We’ve got Chelsea next, so that’ll be us playing 3 Champions League teams in 7 games. Yes the results have been bad but we’ve got a virtually new team that will take time to gel. Don’t forget, not many of our players have even played in England before, let alone in Bob’s system!

The abuse he has received on message boards is bang out of order and bordering on the ridiculous. Someone once said that bringing back former players as a manager would endanger their hero status at the club. Well I very much doubt that those who are sat behind their made-up usernames were even there when Bob ran the Latics midfield. If they were, then they’ll know this man has more class in him than any manager we’ve had for quite a while.

Anyone who knows anything about football will look at Latics and see how much Bob promotes the club in interviews. He believes in creating a good spirit amongst everyone involved with Wigan Athletic – the players, the staff, the fans, even the town. I can’t remember a Latics manager who has done this kind of thing before, Paul Jewell just plain criticised the crowd instead of encouraging us - and that could be the difference in the end. It’s just a shame our new-found fans don’t appreciate it.

I’d wager that if Steve Bruce was still in charge, I’d doubt anyone would worry about the results. Come back after 15 games and see were we are and how well we’re playing. Bob’ll get it reet!

In the meantime I would encourage you NOT to start any intelligent conversations or debates on forums as you will be abused and given more crap than a portaloo! Remember, internet forums are designed to let insecure people to hide behind a false name in order to bully people, tell lies and to show off. (Very much like Alex Ferguson then!)

I'm Back (with a bit of justice)

After a pleasant two day stay in a Manchester hospital and general lazing about the house for the last few weeks, I’m back to write more bollocks this side of the Wigan Observer and Geoffrey Shryane.

I was in hospital to have an eye operation which went well, thanks for being concerned you set of bastards! With no television, radio, newspapers or fit nurses, if anyone complains about prisons being like ‘hell’, I will personally smash their face in (not with a paving slab mind). At least you can play pool in prisons!

On that subject can I just sign off by saying how much I’m looking forward to Michael Shields: The Movie, his new reality show and book deal.

If he thought prison was ‘hell’, he’ll probably commit suicide if he stayed in the same ward I did! Not that I’m complaining about it, the staff were top class and a credit to the NHS. So cheers!

Two Football Games - For £5

...and you can’t even get a pint and a packet of crisps in London for that, believe me I know! It’s great to see football back, it’s going to be another turbulent nine months but I love it all the same!

Roberto Martinez made the perfect start at the DW (Doctor Who) Stadium as Latics managed to get the better of Scottish side, St. Mirren, to win 3-1. Only a fiver entry for Bob’s return and the chance to see how the squad was taking shape was too tempting for me. What else would I have done otherwise?

Latics started well but for me they passed the ball around a little too much, I’m more of a ‘pass it to the wingers and let them take on the fullbacks’ type of person. But Bob’s style of play is certainly an improvement from Steve Bruce – at least we’re capable of keeping hold of the ball!

Jason Koumas scored a great free-kick to get Latics going, hopefully this will see a revival in his Latics career - he’s been cracking in pre-son by all accounts. However the lead didn’t last long, Emmerson Boyce slipped over and Craig Dargo nipped in to put the ball past Kirkland, via a deflection off Titus Bramble.

Our normally solid defence was looking a little shaky, even though we kept the ball for long periods, the players kept making mistakes and you’ve got to wonder what Premiership teams would do to us if we constantly make mistakes and misplace key passes.

The second half was a lot better, as Latics dominated the play. I had some fun with the bloke in front of, a 60-something replica top-wearing mush who kept getting a little bit too excited. Fair play to him though, at least he got behind the team and cheered with all us when the rugby score (they lost) was flashed on the scoreboard!

Latics managed to sew the game up as Rodegella scored from another free-kick and Melchiot scored a blinding overhead kick from a corner. Latics scoring from set pieces? Yes – you’ve read it right! Although one thing I was disappointed with was that players seemed reluctant to shoot from distance when they had a couple of great opportunities. I just hope we don’t go ‘all Arsenal’ and try to pass the ball in the back of net – because we’re not good enough to do that!

It was a decent game and the team looks in decent shape. It should be interesting to see what line-up Bob goes with against Villa, especially with rumours flying around that we’re about to sign two more players. I think this is the biggest squad we’ve ever had and with such a tight get like Whelan as chairman, I’m really surprised we haven’t sold more players.

So expect 10 to leave during the coming week!

Rewind to Tuesday night and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the Wigan Robin Park vs. Skemersdale United match was free entry at the Stadio Robin Park Arena. Great stuff but the match was even better! The Robins came out with an excellent 2-1 win against a side two divisions above them. To be fair, the Unibond North side did show some quality at times but some dogged defending and a Chris McNally brace, ensured a great win for the Robins.

It was end-to-end at times, as both sides had spells where they dominated the play. Wigan went ahead after about 75 minutes, as McNally reacted quickest to a free-kick that came off the post. Skem came back strong, as another free-kick led to a Skem player nodding his side level. The Robins fans were gutted, after all there was only a few minutes left. However, the Wigan contingent went home happy as McNally found himself clear of the Skem defence and slotted the ball in. Get in there!

Quite ironically, if former Latics Chairman, Bill Kenyon, had his way – then Robin Park would have been playing what was the former Wigan Athletic. Thankfully Kenyon’s plan to move Latics to Skem didn’t happen and the rest they say is history.

So two good wins for both Wigan sides as the season gets started. The Robins opened their campaign with a 0-0 draw at Leek CSOB, whilst Latics get underway against Aston Villa next week.

And I would take another 0-0 draw, I doubt it will finish like that though!