A Tiger Feat

I was stumbling around a London hotel room at 6am when I heard the news about Tiger Woods being involved in a car crash and his wife had to smash open the window with a golf club to get him out. Less than a week later, it turned out she was probably trying to twat him with it, after his murky ‘personal life’ came out. Apparently, Tiger has been doing more ‘coming’ than the occupants of a backstreet porn-studio!

Yes, the worlds best golfer (yes, A GOLFER) has finally been caught by his wife of 5 years, after a (alleged) string of affairs over the last few years. With the tabloids being tabloids, nobody seems to know how many women he’s knocked off in the short time he’s been married. Apparently, it’s easily into double figures as it’s emerged that Tiger has a taste for an ‘adult actress’ or two. I can hear them now ‘Ooooooh Tiger, you’re such an animal!’ (Obviously puns aren’t my strong point!)

Now I know this is sad for his family and you’ve got to feel for them, but who would have expected a golfer as famous as Tiger to be involved in this kind of carry on? True, we’ve had Nick Faldo but that’s like saying we’ve got a bike and the yanks have a Ferrari. This just proves why women go for men like Tiger – the money and fame. I’m sorry girls (if any read this) but its true, forget about the ‘GSOH’ bollocks. As long as the blokes wallet is fat enough, it doesn’t matter about anything else. Shallow, that’s all you are!

Sexism aside, Roger Federer must be shitting himself. First his Gillette TV ad team-mate Thierry Henry made himself into a villain by using his hand in the build up to France’s goal against Ireland in the World Cup play-off match, now fellow ‘close shaver’ Tiger has been in more holes than one of his golf balls. The ‘Curse of Gillette’ exists, I’m telling you!

It should be interesting to see what becomes of this story but it’s only going to get worse as the world’s gutter press have stuck their noses in. Expect Tiger’s mistresses to star in a string of reality shows, perhaps all at the same time. Tiger’s Mistresses? I can see it now, a big-brother style show with the winner being the one who is the most bitchiest. Wonder if the prize of a night of passion with another golfer, erm…Colin Montgomery will go down well?

Fair play to Tiger though, the last two weeks have done more for the image of golf than anyone wearing any ‘wacky’ outfit could ever do!

Bye Bye Teletext

A sad event happened last week in the North West - the analogue television signal was switched off. Now we have to put up with 100’s of channels showing absolute shite. How can that be though? Surely more channels will mean more great programmes? Does it bollocks! The majority of the channels are pointless, the only aspect I love about digital television is the catch-up services and the IPlayer. When they work of course.

The sadness that I refer to, isn’t the loss of ‘council telly’ but for the loss of the best television invention since ‘Real Wives TV’ – Teletext. I hope that most people have fond memories of scrawling through pages upon pages of news, information, adverts etc that were all displayed on Teletext, or the BBC version – Ceefax.

I have fond memories of playing the quiz on Channel 4 Teletext – Bamboozle. The quiz was hosted by the insufferable Bamber Boozler, who always seemed too smug when you got a question wrong and had to start from the beginning. I loved playing it, well when I could play it - my Mum used to always play it before me and spoil it by asking me for answers! Weekends saw a junior quiz – hosted by Buster Boozler. This quiz was normally a piece of piss and was a two fingered salute to middle-class Blue Peter-watchers who’s Mummy and Daddy could afford them this new craze called the ‘internet’. Who needs it when you could abuse Buster and his Dad on Teletext?

It was great for checking sports news and scores. When I couldn’t get to a Latics match, I used to always check every five minutes for the score! I also remember me and my Mum staying up late to keep checking updates of Greg Rusedski playing in the 1997 US Open tennis. Shame he lost! Another aspect I liked, was that you could display the latest scores on the bottom of your screen whilst you were watching a program on the same channel.

A great story involving sport and Teletext was when Wycombe Wanderers were so short on strikers that they put an advert on Ceefax. Roy Essandoh replied and ended up scorer the winner against Premiership Leicester City in the FA Cup! A great story that just goes to show that watching television can do some good!

Another great aspect of Teletext was holidays - we even booked one once! It was a cheap, last-minute deal, which was a great surprise when you’ve come home from a tough day at school. Well I say tough day, I had more trouble from the teachers than the other kids! But just imagine what state the holiday industry on the interweb would be like if Teletext hadn’t have plugged the gap? I very much doubt you’ll be able to nab some holidays for as cheap as they are now.

Teletext may have been slow at updating stuff but it always displayed a great array of information. I don’t like this new digital text, as somehow it seems to be slower than Teletext, doesn’t display half as much information and it makes you reboot your set-top box on a regular basis! If you wanted subtitles, all it took was a quick press of your text button followed by 888. Now you have to trawl through your settings, which could take an age, depending on how good your box is! I hate digital television!

RIP Teletext

Balls, Balls and More Balls

So I’m watching the draw for the 2010 World Cup, in between making my tea and texting. I can’t help but notice that apart from Charlize Theron being a fit piece, that this draw is an utter mess. I grew up loving watching the FA Cup draw, were balls were just pulled out of a bag. In a World Cup draw - all the balls are put in ‘pots’ and are ‘seeded’, god knows what Alan Titchmarsh must be thinking.

I understand that this is done so each group would have teams from different continents playing each other, but it’s the way they go about it that bothers me. Draws for cup competitions should be simple affairs, not all glitter with a b-list actress doing the draw. 100’s of people had to be drafted in to help the draw run smoothly, whilst a week previously the FA Cup draw was done in a room with 3 blokes. That’s how draws should be, save the spectacular stuff for the opening ceremony. Oh how I’m looking forward to that…not!

England have got a ‘favourable’ draw and will play the likes of the USA, Algeria and Slovenia. I’m happy with this draw and I was delighted to draw the Americans. Despite the ‘special relationship’ between the two nations, I always love any encounter with the yanks - hopefully this time we can beat them! It’s just a shame that 85% of America doesn’t give a toss about football, or ‘soccer’ as they call it. It’s equally a shame that 85% of those in England watching the football in June, won’t have a fucking clue about football, or ‘footie’ as they call it.

We should get through, but the upmost respect must be shown to these teams. USA have some quality players playing in England, Algeria are a decent African outfit and Slovenia beat a very good Russian side to qualify via the play-offs. Hopefully we can avoid any banana skins and more importantly - get the yanks back for making most of their 80’s films run with a anti-communism theme. I believe if you even say ‘communist’ in America - you’ll be put in irons as quickly as you say ‘it’s a joke, no don’t touch me there’!

During the glitzy affair that was the World Cup draw, another glitzy affair was underway to unveil the brand new World Cup ball. Eh? It’s a football, not a frigging rule change! All this attention on a football – it’s laughable! Apparently the ball is called ‘Jabulani’, which means ‘bringing joy to everyone’ in Zulu. I wonder how the other 10 official languages of South Africa feel about that?

Needless to say that this new ball is apparently ‘the roundest yet’, so you’re saying that they played with a square ball in the 50’s? I don’t understand how you can get a round ball to be even rounder than it already is! Still, this ball isn’t a patch on my favourite tournament ball – the England Euro 96 one. I know it’s a biased claim, but I have fond childhood memories of me kicking it around the field and being very careful not to bounce it on tarmac, in case it got scraped. That lasted all of 2 weeks, until the artwork started to fade, as did England’s hopes of wining Euro 96! Sorry, I had to try a bit of poetry there!

Reports that the Euro 96 ball was named ‘Get in the net, you f***ing t**t!’, haven’t been confirmed.

Whatever happens, lets hope England have a good tournament. I’m not making any predictions, as I hate doing that, but fingers crossed we’ll progress through the group stages, as after that – anything could happen.

Another exit on penalties then?

Taken from my personal blog - Sex and the Mudhuts

Wigan Athletic: Beer, Birds and Football - DOWNLOAD NOW!

It was written two years ago but I’ve finally cobbled together the blog posts from my year watching Latics at home - with my first ever season ticket!

Description

This is the story of Wigan Athletic in the English Premier League in 2007/08, seen through the eyes of a twentysomething fan who can only think about his beloved 'Latics', having a 'few pints’ and trying to get in with women. Still 2 out of 3 ain't bad, as an overweight rock legend once sang!

Wigan went from top of the league to being threatened with relegation, a sacked manager, England-call ups, 5-3 wins, cheating players and referees - and not forgetting - seeing the Premier League trophy being lifted in the flesh!

And of course, along the way the author found himself pissed up in various Northern English drinking establishments, even going to a rave wearing corduroy and being molested by the living dead!

This is what being a real football fan is about. This is - Wigan Athletic - Beer, Birds and Football!

You can download the e-book as a .PDF here or alternatively here

Please note that you will need a .PDF reader, such as ADOBE ACROBAT or FOXIT to open the file. You can download a .PDF reader by clicking on any of the links.

Please also check out my new blog, which I update almost every day!

Cheers

I Was Once In Tears After Losing 9-1 In A Youth Football Match...

I hope I never remember the 22nd of November for as long as I live. A horrible, horrible day in the history of Wigan Athletic. A 9-1 defeat at Tottenham. There, I’ve said it - and I won’t say it again.

After only trailing 1-0 at half-time we collapsed like the England Cricket team to record the worst defeat in our history and the second worst in the Premier League. It can be too easy to blame the manager, I’m a massive Roberto Martinez supporter and there’s only so much he can do whilst the match is going on. It’s up to the players to go out on the pitch and perform, the ‘performance’ yesterday was the worst I’ve ever seen.

I remember losing a football game in my youth by the same scoreline, I was so upset at the result - I just wanted to hide somewhere and never be found again. To me, some of the Latics players didn’t look too fussed, as they let Spurs trample all over them at every opportunity.

I just feel sorry for the Latics supporters who made the long trip down, thankfully the players have took some responsibility and have offered to refund every Latics supporter who went. It’s a nice gesture but to be fair - it’s the least they can do.

8 of the goals were a result of terrible defending, the other was just down to bad luck. Sometimes, it can be too easy to rip into a teams’ performance - but there shouldn’t be a hiding place for our players. It’s not just this result that is the cause of all this - it’s the inconsistency which plagues us every other game.

I just don’t understand why Latics can go out and beat Chelsea, one of the best teams in the world, but look like total amateurs against Spurs. It stinks of bad attitude, maybe some of the players have got no respect for Bob? I’m not sure. The most likely reason is that we don’t have a leader on the pitch and the communication between the players mustn’t be the best. However, these lads are professional footballers, most of them are internationals for heaven’s sake. It’s up to Bob to kick some arse now, with messers Jones and Barrow at his side - I’m sure that won’t be a problem!

Of course the muppets on the Interweb and elsewhere have been having a go, but to be fair most fans seem to feel for us. It’s the reaction of our own fans which disturbs me - we should instead be pulling rank and getting behind the manager. As I’ve said, there’s only so much he can do, but when there’s a bad result he’ll always get the flak - its bang out of order as there wasn’t anything he could have done. Our back four yesterday have been at the club for quite a while now and they are all experienced Premiership players. There’s no excuse.

It’s difficult at the moment, but we just need to bury our heads in the sand for a few days, take the insults on the chin and pick ourselves up to get behind the lads against Sunderland on Saturday. With me being me - I can’t make it as I’ll be in London – bloody typical isn’t it? I was looking forward to venting my anger at our so-called supporters who moan at every given chance!

So let’s try and forget this result and show the lads our support. I know I’ve more-or-less called their professionalism into question here, which might be a bit unfair, but lets show them (and the rest of the country) that we are proud of our club and will support it whatever happens.

Come on Latics!

P.S. To make things worse, our Goldfish died on the 22nd November 2009 as well! RIP Millie

CIN (Celebrities In Need)

Is it me or is the line-up for 'Children in Need' getting worse every year? It's getting to the point now where I'll give them a couple of quid just to tell the likes of the Eastenders cast and BBC newsreaders to fuck off. You would have thought that they would provide people with proper entertainment, something they've never seen before, which will make them give money - because they enjoyed it. For some reason they just expect you to give money. I'm sorry but if you're going to do that, then don't have a telethon. Just stand outside ASDA with a money pot, I’ll gladly give some money. The idea is to entertain people, I don't want to watch some ugly bint from Eastenders murdering a classic song.

There’ll be people who’ll say, ‘well its all for charity, stop being a miserable bastard’, well surely if it’s for charity, you should be trying that little bit harder? These ‘acts’ do it for self gratification and promotion. Every one of the bastards who were on, promoted something or other. Proper acts don’t need to promote themselves, in front of the millions of x-factor-type viewers who seem to enjoy tacky and embarrassing television.

My stomach was to turn as the vastly overrated Peter Key came on, banging on about his (yet another) ‘charity’ single, by his ‘Peter Kay’s Animated All-Star Band’. Of course he had to slip in a mention of his forthcoming tour, ‘tickets are still available’, as the audience lapped him up, like a seedy businessman laps up a scantily-clad female dancer.

These ‘celebrities’ don’t do anything for nothing. While you’re sitting in a bath of baked beans or having your hair shaved off, it doesn’t mean anything because you would look like a tit. Celebrities on Children in Need may make tits of themselves, but the amount of praise and profile they get from appearing, will see them laughing all the way to the bank.

The only bit I did enjoy was the specially-made weekly program ‘Around the World in 80 Days’, which seemed to miss out most of the world! Obviously, the opportunity of a free holiday was too much of a pull for the celebrities taking part in this relay-type trip. Would this show be done better with ‘normal’ people? Perhaps parents of children who come under the remit of the Children in Need charity? They would definitely be trying that little bit harder, instead of going through the motions like the pair from ‘The Apprentice’

Here are five things I’ve learned from ‘Around the World in 80 Days’:

1. I would gladly punch Saira Khan in the face and not regret it


2. Myleene Klass is everything I thought she would be – an utter spoilt t**t. That isn’t attractive lads


3. Julia Bradbury is definitely a fit ‘older piece’



4. Matt Baker is definitely giving Julia one


5. Josie Lawrence gave me the biggest laugh of the series – (to Myleene) “Ooh, sit here and you can finish my burger”

Anyway, the biggest thing I’ve took away from Children in Need this year, is learning that it’s now just a vehicle for crap celebrities to try and raise their profiles, it has nothing to do with charity and entertaining people. Some of them should instead part with a tiny bit of their (unjustly earned) money instead of begging us to give ‘what we can’. How do you think people, who struggle to pay the bills each month, feel when we have someone like Robbie Williams, who signed a £80 million record deal in 2002, is begging us to give more money? Would our kids actually benefit? They don’t in Wigan, I can tell you that.CIN (Celebrities In Need)

Doctor Who - The Waters of Mars - Review

If you want an example of why Doctor Who is so brilliant, check out the latest story, ‘The Waters of Mars’. This story had everything - great writing, wonderful directing, decent acting and the effects weren’t bad for something that is done on a relative shoestring. Well, it is compared to American television anyway!

I know I’m biased, but to be fair Doctor Who fans are the show’s biggest critics. At times they can be too hard on something that is just a harmless bit of fun for the family. That is the biggest aspect that makes Doctor Who as good as it is – it’s a program for everybody, not just select types of people, geeks if you will. It pulls people of all ages around the telly, in an age when watching telly as a family isn’t the done thing. An episode can easily swing from being all-out comic to heartbreakingly dark, like this one.

The Doctor (played by David Tennant) lands on Mars and goes out for a stroll, as you do, when he is quickly captured by Gadget - a ‘hilarious’ robot. It turns out that The Doctor has landed on Mars at the time of the first human colony - but he learns it’s the day that the base is destroyed - which is a famous moment in history. The Doctor realises he must get away quickly, to avoid mucking up time. Meanwhile, something seems to be infecting the water supply, something which turns people into mindless zombies who are intent on infecting everyone else, in order to get to Earth and its endless supply of water. The Doctor now knows the reason Captain Adelaide Brooke (Lindsay Duncan) blew up the base in November 2059 and went down in history.

It’s a cracking story - if you’re into disaster movies, you’ll be amazed (but not surprised) at how something like water could be so frightening. If you watch ‘Doctor Who Confidential’ (a ‘behind-the-scenes’ documentary, aired after every episode) you’ll see how much of a problem getting water to work the way they wanted, actually was! Top marks to the CGI team who did an amazing job of making a Welsh quarry look like Mars, too!

It’s an episode sprinkled with wonderful moments of conversation, metaphors and actions. A bit that I really liked was when one of the crew members, Steffi (Cosima Shaw) is trapped in a locked room, with the water about to infect her, she just switches on her screen to look at a video message from her family, for one last time. Such a horrible moment, but beautifully poetic at the same time.

David Tennant is to leave his role after the two-part Christmas story, where he will regenerate into Matt Smith. The end of this episode in particular, built up the tension of his impending exit very well, as he turned into a right bastard! Can’t say much more than that – you’ll just need to check it out for yourself. Let’s just say that if you’re a fan of the 10th Doctor - you’ll love it (maybe)!

I better end this review before gushing any more, which will end up not making any sense and you would just think I’m a ‘love-it-all fan-boy’. Well I’m not - I really dislike (most of) series 2!

Be sure to check out Tennant’s final two stories at Christmas, in the biggest extravaganza since...erm...last year! No seriously, there are a few decent actors in this one, some you’ll probably know very well!

In the meantime…don’t touch the water…not one drop!

Don't forget to check out a scene from the Christmas episode which will shown between 8-8.30pm on the Children in Need night this Friday

'The End of Time' Christmas Trailer